Sunday, April 30, 2017

A Reflection on Newtown: Two Bens

I watch a lot of documentaries on Netflix while I work on other things. This is what the screen of my laptop usually looks like:


Those 15 tabs open on the left include research for summer camps for the kids, Twitter, Facebook, a text messaging app, research on Leviticus 13:13 prompted by an intriguing question from a friend, and my calendar, Soon there will be more tabs as I do research for this blog post.

On the right is Netflix, where I'm currently watching Newtown, the PBS documentary about the school shooting in December 2012. The film is an intimate portrait of how parents, educators, first responders, and the rest of the town, survivors all, has endured.

Parents of several of the murdered first graders are interviewed, including David Wheeler, father of six-year-old Benjamin Wheeler, whom they called Ben. From David's description, Ben Wheeler was a lot like our Ben at that age. He had sticker charts for all kinds of behaviors, including sitting through an entire dinner, keeping his body calm at school, listening to the teacher, etc. Five stickers in a row led to a reward or some positive reinforcement.
Screenshot of Ben Wheeler's sticker chart, from Newtown.

Both of our Bens had some difficulties getting those sticker spots filled. David describes his Ben as being "so full of energy that his feet didn't seem to touch the ground," and recalls a picture of Ben jumping, caught in mid-air, which a friend titled "Flying Boy." In the videos of him, Ben Wheeler is exuberant and effusive, words and energy coming so quickly he is a blur in front of the lens. We have many such videos.

At one point, David is searingly honest about parenting his Ben. "Ben was a challenge," he says. "The dinner table was so hard, because he was just all over the place... Nothing ever moved fast enough for him."

My heart broke when I realized this will always be their Ben. David Wheeler will never get to realize, appreciate, relish, suffer, and witness the transformations between boy and young man. What a great gift he has lost: the perspective of looking back on a first-grade Ben and thinking, "Boy, he was a handful back then! Remember what dinner was like?" while enjoying a delightful dinner with a ninth-grade Ben. To be a witness to growth and change and maturity.

As I am sitting here writing this, my Ben is practicing bass guitar downstairs. He's working on a difficult Red Hot Chili Peppers song, and he is just nailing parts of it. His grades are good, his homework gets done, he's in a band and has a group of friends. He has a generous spirit and a compassionate heart. His room is a disaster, he spends entirely too much time playing video games, and he can be as much of a knucklehead as any other 15-year-old, but in a few years, we won't care about those things. Right now we have moments like these:

My Ben jamming with his dad.

The Wheelers had two children, and like most parents, they marked their children's heights on a wall, a door frame in their case. Their Ben's final height was marked in November of 2012, one month before he was killed. Above that mark is just empty wall space for a couple of feet, until the place where is older brother scrawled, "Would be here."

We mark our Ben's height every year on his birthday, in September. There's over a foot of growth between the mark for 9/3/12 (three months before Newtown) and 9/3/16, on his 15th birthday. He's now taller than I am. I look up to him.

Of course, at some point, our Ben's tick marks will stop, too.
When he reaches his full adult height.
When physical growth stops.
When nature determines it.
Please, let it be when nature determines it.

Until that happens, I'll be keeping another Ben, his parents, and a blank space on a wall in Newtown in my mind as we watch our son grow and make his marks.


(Visit www.sandyhookpromise.org and www.benslighthouse.org to see how the Wheelers are carrying their Ben's legacy forward.)

















Monday, April 24, 2017

A Yom haShoah Experiment

An Invitation:

Background: Today is the the Jewish observance of Yom HaShoah (יום השואה). Literally, the day of the catastrophe. It is an official holiday in Israel to commemorate and remember the 6 million Jews who were killed in the Holocaust.
Equipment Needed: A clock, timer, or stopwatch app on your phone. (Many timers don't go as high as we need. You can download special apps to countdown to a special date if necessary -- just search your app store for "Countdown".)
Procedure: Set your timer to count down 69 days (or 1,666 hours). Set it up so there is a notification or visual reminder on your home screen that the timer is going.

I've also added a countdown timer to the home page of this blog, so we can all keep time together.)
Experiment Termination: When the timer goes off on July 2, 6 million seconds will have passed, one for each of the Jews who was murdered.
Data Collection: Optional. Record thoughts and feelings when you remember why the timer is going.
Anticipated Result: Unknown/Individualized
Ready? Set?
Remember.


Saturday, April 08, 2017

Parsha Tzav: Just Do It (Because You Have Been Commanded)


Motivation is a big issue in modern life. Most of us lack it at least some of the time, and the internet is teeming with things to get you motivated. There are millions of pictures with imagery of powerful animals, people standing victoriously on mountain tops and using a pair of scissors to turn "I can't" into "I can". 

If those don't work for you there are apps for your phone that gamify your goals. Create an avatar, compete against your friends, and "level up" as you earn points, badges and rewards. Any habit will do, from adding protein powder to your smoothie to reading to your child at night. Nothing is too trivial or important. 



God Doesn't Ask; He Commands

This week's Torah portion is Tzav, which literally means "command." God speaks to Moses and says:

צַו אֶת-אַהֲרֹן וְאֶת-בָּנָיו לֵאמֹר
Command Aaron and his sons, saying:

God doesn't say:
"Give Aaron and his sons these instructions about sacrifices in the tabernacle." 
Or:
"Offer Aaron this responsibility." 

And definitely not:
"Run these instructions by Aaron, get his feedback for revisions, and then let's start negotiating the process for keeping the holy fire tended."

These are commands, and commands are to be carried out by the commanded. To be frank, I'm a little jealous of Aaron and his sons. They don't need any motivation to carry out their responsibilities. They have been commanded, and because of their covenant with God, they obey. 

Choices are demanding, and modern Jews have saddled themselves with hundreds of decisions that our ancestors, even our recent ones, never considered. From the mundane (is it ok to eat a pork chop?) to the sacred (is it ok to work on Shabbat?). 

My great-grandmother never had to be motivated to keep a kosher kitchen or clean cabinets and change dishes for Passover. It's what you did, and it was a mitzvah, a commandment, to do so. (Can you tell that I'm putting off cleaning for Passover by writing this blog? Shh.)

Recent generations have taken great pride in throwing off religious systems that command certain behaviors and lifestyles. We are all "Jew by choice," we are told, with the added luxury of getting to choose how we express our Judaism. We are free to sift among the "commandments" and follow some, disobey others, and disregard many of them completely. I am most certainly one of those Jews, and as an educator, I love when teens find something in Torah they can really grasp onto and use in their modern, non-observant lives. I wonder, though, if I am doing them a disservice, teaching them to bend the Torah to their lives instead of changing their lives for Torah.

My Orthodox/observant friends generally don't struggle with following the commandments. I once asked such a friend if he ever snuck a bite of a cheeseburger, just to see what he was missing. "No," he said, "keeping kosher is my field of new, untrod snow, and I don't want to ruin it by trampling on it. I want to keep it perfect." He doesn't have to wrestle with the desire to eat treif (non-kosher) food, because he doesn't have the desire. 

"I have no choice"
Steve Jobs famously wore the same outfit every day, eliminating the "What to wear?" decision from his life.
Modern Americans are all about choice, and it can be overwhelming. Go into a grocery store sometime and just try and count the varieties of tea available for purchase. I don't know about you, but when I was a kid in the 70s and 80s there was just "tea." Hot or iced, perhaps, but still just "tea." 

And so we stand there in the tea aisle, or the coffee shop, or the store with 50 styles and fits of pants, overwhelmed by the choices. I've often thought, "Someone just tell me what to buy," which is really a plea to be commanded, to have the choice removed.

As Frankfurt-born psychoanalyst Erich Fromm writes:

"In the process of becoming freed from authority, we are often left with feelings of hopelessness... that will not abate until we use our 'freedom to' and develop some form of replacement of the old order." 
Removing the choice about whether or not to do something is, paradoxically, liberating. Most of us don't lie in bed in the morning wavering about whether or not to go to our jobs, or go to school. We may not do so happily, but we've taken on an obligation, so we go. In contrast, we've all put off tasks that are optional, even if they are also important. (Going to the gym, walking the dog, cleaning the bathroom, taking vitamins, balancing the checkbook, etc.) To do those things, we need the magical ingredient: motivation.

In the Torah, Aaron was commanded to keep the fire burning:


ה  וְהָאֵשׁ עַל-הַמִּזְבֵּחַ תּוּקַד-בּוֹ לֹא תִכְבֶּה, וּבִעֵר עָלֶיהָ הַכֹּהֵן עֵצִים בַּבֹּקֶר בַּבֹּקֶר; וְעָרַךְ עָלֶיהָ הָעֹלָה, וְהִקְטִיר עָלֶיהָ חֶלְבֵי הַשְּׁלָמִים.5 And the fire upon the altar shall be kept burning thereby, it shall not go out; and the priest shall kindle wood on it every morning; and he shall lay the burnt-offering in order upon it, and shall make smoke thereon the fat of the peace-offerings.
ו  אֵשׁ, תָּמִיד תּוּקַד עַל-הַמִּזְבֵּחַ--לֹא תִכְבֶּה.  {ס}6 Fire shall be kept burning upon the altar continually; it shall not go out. 
Aaron receiving the weight of his priestly vestments.
God didn't really care if Aaron felt like adding wood to the fire each day and making the offerings. The fire staying lit wasn't based on Aaron's morning motivation to do so. He had agreed at the base of Mt Sinai that all God commanded, he would do. 

No motivational posters, apps, or Fitbit required -- Aaron tended the fire and performed the sacrifices.

Who Commands Us?
Modern Jews often find themselves in a quandary when it comes to following the rules of Judaism. The Torah and God are, in Fromm's terms, the "old order" which we have shaken off in an effort to feel and be more free. Fromm goes on to suggest that those who don't use this "freedom from" properly will look for replacements for the old order and often turn to authoritarianism, destructiveness, and conformity. (Fromm argues that this is how Nazi culture took hold in the 1930s. The old order dissolved and people were disoriented by their own freedom, so they accepted Nazi authority.)

That's damn scary, and it's not what I'm suggesting here. Many believe there is no higher authority to answer to, no one to do the commanding. You'll get no argument from me; believing in the truth of the Torah and accepting its divine origins would certainly make it easier for me to follow the rules. I'm not willing to make that jump, and I doubt most of my Jewish contemporaries are either.

Go Ahead, Be Obligated. 


We command ourselves, sure, but what if we play a little mind game with ourselves? What if we take on a mitzvah, just one, as if we are commanded to? Whether or not our motivation waxes and wanes, we have been commanded to perform the mitzvah, we have agreed to obey, and so we do.

There are a lot of mitzvot to choose from: (Of the 613 commandments in the Torah, 365 are negative/don't do commandments, and 248 are positive.) For this exercise, let's take on a simple, positive commandment of Jewish prayer.** Here are some easy daily practices:
  1. Say the Shema twice daily — Deut 6:7 (Link to Shema)
  2. Pray every day — Exodus 23:25 (Use the Amidah or another Jewish prayer. Link to Reform Version)
  3. Bless the Almighty after eating — Deuteronomy 8:10 (Link to short version of the Birkat Hamazon)
  4. To learn Torah — Deut 6:7 (Link to list of the weekly parsha here. Each parsha is divided into 7 different readings, so you can do one each day.)

Accept the obligation to recite one of these daily, as if you were commanded. 
Do it the same way every day -- whichever form of the Amidah or the Birkat Hamazon you choose, use it every day. 
Try it for a week.
Share with me (or someone else) your experience.

I'm taking on #2, reciting the Amidah each day. What do you choose?



*Mitzvah in Hebrew comes from the same root as tzav, and although many people now think of a mitzvah as a "good deed," "commandment" is a more accurate translation. There are 613 mitzvot (commandments) in the Torah, not 613 "good deeds".]
** I chose prayer specifically because these prayers are uniquely Jewish. There are other commandments to choose from. Here's a list: all: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/613_commandments#Maimonides.27_list







Saturday, April 01, 2017

Parsha Vayikra: It's the Little Things

The Little Aleph


I'm not going to kid anyone -- the book of Leviticus/Vaikra can be a rough read. The slicing and dicing instructions for sacrifices and long lists of laws with severe consequences appear on almost every page. Laws that do not square with our modern sensibility. Laws that have caused immeasurable pain in our society. Laws against homosexual relations. Laws that determine menstruating women are "unclean".

Leviticus is also the repository of the "Huh?" laws prohibiting mixing fabrics, getting tattoos, cross-breeding animals, picking up fallen grapes in your vineyard, tearing your clothes, and letting your hair become unkempt.

Modern, progressive Jews have largely set aside the laws of Leviticus. We don't notice if we mix linen and wool, we get tattoos, and some of us let our hair get quite messy. The laws against homosexuality -- which in Vayikra carries the death penalty -- are abhorrent to us.

Ditch Leviticus?

B'nai mitzvah kids hate it. Progressives flinch when conservatives quote its verses. We no longer have a Temple in Jerusalem, which most of the laws apply to. Is the only reason we read Leviticus in 2018...

Tradition!

The little aleph says no. 

The little aleph says, look for the small things, the hidden wisdom. Look for what your eye may have scanned over the first time. See what's there, in the spaces, in the silence.

How?

1. Accept reading and studying Torah as an obligation. One of the consequences of reading Torah on a schedule every year is that we can't skip chapters or books that don't resonate with us. It's a homework assignment: You don't have to like it; you do have to do it.

2. Cherry pick. When people are accused of "cherry-picking" the bible and only quoting parts that suit their agenda, I have a hard time joining in the chorus that shames them. As humans in 2018, we have no choice but to cherry-pick the Torah for verses and ideas that are meaningful to us.

3. Use Commentary and Modern Translations. Yes, read the actual text of the Torah, but read it alongside commentary. Rabbis and Jewish educators have spent thousands of years combing the Torah for meaning in every era, and they've struggled with the same ideas you do. This year I highly recommend Rabbi Jonathan Sacks' commentary: http://rabbisacks.org/call-vayikra-5778/. I've been reading his book Lessons in Leadership for each parsha this year.

4. Remember the Aleph. Any tidbit of Torah that makes you think, challenges a position you hold, or enlightens your view of Judaism is enough.

Too many people turn away from Torah study because the study itself is so demanding.

Lean in.

You really do get an A for effort.

Or maybe an aleph.