Shabbat Quote: Let Your Blessings Catch You

In honor of these two pictures I stumbled across this week, perhaps the favorite of my kids together, a quote from Rabbi Jonathan Sacks:

"Shabbat is the day we stand still and let all our blessings catch up with us.”Radical Then, Radical Now p. 134

Stop.

Stand still.

Wait.

Who's trying to catch up with you?

My "Home" Teams

I've lived in Colorado for most of my life. From junior high through college, even when I had moved away from the Rocky Mountain state, my football team was the Denver Broncos, mostly because of this guy:

I wept without embarrassment or shame when he finally got his ring in 1998. By that time I was back in Colorado, hosting a Super Bowl Party at our tiny little apartment on Larpote Ave.

Elway retired in 1999 after winning back-to-back Super Bowls, and then they tore down Mile Hi Stadium and replaced it with another corporate no-personality stadium. The team was lackluster, the quarterbacks unremarkable, and

most of all

they'd become the home team. So I dropped them and added the Patriots to my roster of favorite teams -- the Boston Red Sox, Celtics, and Bruins.

When I lived in North Dakota, I looked back at Colorado nostalgically, and the Broncos were part of that. I'd fetishize things like King Soopers brand milk, the mountains, and even the city of Greeley, where I went to high school. Greeley.

Root, Root, Root for the Home Team

“We are all strangers in a strange land, longing for home, but not quite knowing what or where home is. We glimpse it sometimes in our dreams, or as we turn a corner, and suddenly there is a strange, sweet familiarity that vanishes almost as soon as it comes.” -- Madeline L'Engle

Seeing someone in a store in a Red Sox shirt in Fort Collins, CO is something special. Something to share a "Go Sox!" as you pass by, or a fist pump, or a secret nod. My pharmacist and I have a running conversation because he wears a New York Yankees lanyard for his name tag and I have one for my keys. I don't think he'd ever notice a Rockies key chain, and he'd certainly never comment on it each month. It's our running gag, and a connection I otherwise would not have made.

Maybe that's the secret, then. I wear my love of Boston sports on my car, on my keys, with my hats, shirts, and sweatshirts, o my Facebook wall and on the walls of my cubicle at work. I live my fandom out loud, and I have lost count of the small talk, casual conversations, and even friendships broadcasting those loyalties has let me to. My rivalries are all friendly.

Home is Where...

When people ask me where I'm from, I always say, "Boston originally," even though my time there was relatively short. My family is so Boston, and over the years I've fallen deeply in love with so much of the city.

My fetishized version of it, anyway.

I've long known that living in the Boston area again would immediately ruin it for me, much like having a Dunkin Donuts here in Fort Collins has taken the thrill out of going. It's not, as L'Engle wrote. a glimpse of home that vanishes, and is far less seductive for its staying power.

On GOP Debate Night, I'm Not Sure How to Spin this (disturbing) Haftarah

This week's haftarah is all about prophets and miracles, and I'm not quite sure what to do with it. Since it's taken from II Kings, you probably haven't read it. Here's the nutshell.

Miracle I:

An unnamed widow, heavily in debt, is being threatened by her creditors. They want her two sons as slaves in payment for what she owes. 
Enter Elisha (not Elijah) the prophet, who says, "Well, what else do you have to pay with?"
"Nothing. One vial of oil. That's it"
Elisha tells her to go borrow as many jugs as she can from her neighbors and pour the oil from her vial into the jugs. 
She does and -- miracle!! -- the oil flowed enough to fill all the jugs.
She sells them, repays her debts, and lives comfortably.

There are some pretty clear kernels of wisdom here:

• When you're in need, open your eyes and consider what you already have. 
• Don't dismiss seemingly small things. 
• Stretch, stretch, stretch every little thing to its maximum value.
• Your friends are probably willing to help you out, but you may have to ask them.
• Big jugs are good!
• God loves making a little oil go a long way.

Jug matching.

Miracle II:

Elisha traveled through Shunam a lot.This really cool, older couple would always welcome him, and they even built an addition to their house just for Elisha.The couple didn't have any kids, and when Elisha learned this, he blessed the woman that she should give birth to a child in exactly one year's time. Whaddya know? She does!Then it gets weird...
A few years later the son complained of a headache and died shortly thereafter.
The Shunamit woman laid the lifeless body on the bed in Elisha's designated guest room.
Elisha hurried to the woman's home and miraculously brought the boy back to life, like this:

Elisha came into the house, and there was the boy, laid out dead on his couch. He went in, shut the door behind the two of them, and prayed to the Lord. Then he mounted [the

bed] and placed himself over the child. He put his mouth on its mouth, his eyes on its eyes, and his hands on its hands, as he bent over it. And the body of the child became warm. He stepped down, walked once up and down the room, then mounted and bent over him. Thereupon, the boy sneezed seven times, and the boy opened his eyes. [Elisha] called Gehazi and said, "Call the Shunammite woman," and he called her. When she came to him, he said, "Pick up your son." She came and fell at his feet and bowed low to the ground; then she picked up her son and left.

What are we to make of this? The Stone Chumash, produced by Artscroll, an Orthodox publisher, says that the way Elisha heals the child is "an eternal lesson fr those who wish to inspire and teach and inspire Jewish children -- to breathe life into them. A teacher must give himself over to his charges of he hopes to succeed."

That's a pretty big logical leap from the "facts" of the story.

I'm also so uncomfortable with people in the bible who get their problems solved through miracles while the rest of us in real life just have to tough it out, miracle-free. Personally, since I don't believe in miracles that happen as a result of the will of a supreme being, I don't feel left out when they don't happen to me.

If this nameless woman in the scripture is worthy of her bareness being "cured" by a prophet, why not the woman of faith who is desperate to get pregnant in 2015?

If a prophet can bring a child back to life because the family was especially hospitable, what is the faithful mother who buries a child left to think?

In some ways, life is so much easier when it's random and reason-less. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with that, but paradoxically, studying these stories helps the reconciliation.

What Happened, Lacey?

I cracked open a used book tonight to find this inscription.

The book was published in 2005. Let's assume that Lacey bought it new before giving it to Jill as a gift. I personally would not mind a used book as a gift, but most folks would buy new for gift-giving.

That's ten years ago.

I've got a lot of questions for you girls.

Are you sisters? Friends? Lovers?

Mother and daughter seems unlikely because of the expletive, but it's possible. Not between me and my mother, but between some. Their relationship, whatever it is, is casual enough for Lacey to include not only a swear word, but a smiley face and an exclamation point! And the word love.

So lov-ers, perhaps.

Have they broken up? Was the breakup recent, and I am the first next owner of this text? Or has it been floating from reader to reader, each one as befuddled as I.

Did Jill put the book in a box of belongings she returned to Lacey by dropping it on her doorstep in the middle of the night? Or did she shove it into Lacey's arms as she backed out of their shared studio flat, shocked by Jill's guttural wail: Just! Go!

Was it casually tossed in the "donations" bin long after Lacey/Jill Jill/Lacey agreed to put a little space between them.

Lacey  / Jill
Lacey    /   Jill

Lacey

Jill


Did she, whichever she it was, take one last look at what had been inscribed,
long forgotten,
and try to remember what it was like then.

When exclamation points followed Love You! and not Hate You!
and fucking was an endearment and an invitation,
a promise.

Or did they toss it away together,
shaking their heads and laughing
as one says
"I thought you would like this more. "

Poem: "Power" by Adrienne Rich

That ear pain I wrote about in my last post turned out to be a Eustachian Tube Dysfunction due to a sinus infection. Big words for 'everything in your head is all plugged up,' including my creative flow. I probably exacerbated the entire thing by staying out too late two nights in a row this weekend. (Not sorry.)

Tonight, instead of composing a new blog post,  I'm taking my decongestant, my heating pad, and my cat, and I'm going to sleep. At 9:18 pm. (Sorry, and Not sorry)

Instead I offer this poem, written by the great Adrienne Rich in 1974. The last line changed my life. Some day I'll tell you how.


Power, by Adrienne Rich

Living      in the earth-deposits     of our history

Today a backhoe divulged      out of a crumbling flank of earth
one bottle      amber      perfect      a hundred-year-old
cure for fever      or melancholy      a tonic
for living on this earth      in the winters of this climate

Today I was reading about Marie Curie:
she must have known she suffered      from radiation sickness
her body bombarded for years    by the element
she had purified
It seems she denied to the end
the source of the cataracts on her eyes
the cracked and suppurating skin     of her finger-ends
till she could no longer hold      a test-tube or a pencil

She died      a famous woman      denying
her wounds
denying
her wounds      came      from the same source as her power

1974

Parsha Vayera: [Spoiler Alert!] Isaac Survives

The amount of pain we can carry with us on our everyday journeys is astounding. Everywhere you go, people are in pain -- physical pain, emotional pain, psychological pain, financial pain. For the past week I've had intermittent jaw/ear pain that makes me want to stab myself in the head with a screwdriver. (I won't.) Then I take some more ibuprofen, get out the heating pad, and it recedes to a dull ache. At times I even forget the pain unless I think about how the pain is gone. Thanks, brain, for that trick.

It's been six weeks since Rosh Hashanah, Day II, when we came together, stood in synagogue and literally knocked on our hearts, banging them open with our fists. We called out our sins, and our pain, and we were surrounded by others undergoing the same process -- releasing the same demons.

We also read "The Akedah," the near-sacrifice of Isaac, from the Torah. Our pain and their pain inevitably mix.

"The Sacrifice of Isaac" by VALDÉS LEAL, Juan de 1657-1659

Why?

For this post, I am not interested in the rabbinical, traditional reasons for including this story in the Torah or highlighting it in our High Holiday services. There are thousands of pages of explication of those ideas. Reading them is kind of like watching player interviews on sports channels:

• We're really proud of Abraham. He knew what he had to do and went out and did it.
• Abraham needed this adversity/reality check/loss in order to keep him on target/track/goal oriented/focused on what we’re trying to do.
• Abraham and Sarah have overcome a lot of adversity. This team shows a lot of character. This team shows a lot of poise. This team shows a lot of pride. This team shows a lot of resiliency. This team shows a lot of heart.
• Couldn't have done it without God, man. Could not have done it without God. All praises to Him

A Human Story

Boring lives make for terrible literature. If Adam and Eve never got kicked of of the Garden of Eden, would we care who they were? If Odysseus had a pleasant sailing trip and returned on time and happily to Penelope, would we still be telling the tale? What if Hamlet had just shrugged and said, "Meh. To be."

When we read Shakespeare and other works of literature, we put the characters to our own tests. We question motives, look for symbols, and rant and rave about inconsistencies and dismiss the works completely when they falter.

Torah complicates those interpretations because it contains the founding stories of  us. Our people. Our God.

We are stuck with all of it, and there is no tossing it aside. Even if you try -- even if you're a "High Holiday Jew," The Binding of Isaac will come and find you.

Torah is greater than the sum of its parts and greater than us as well. There are prices to pay for holding a book in such esteem. We have to dig deeper.

Text to the Test (Genesis 22:1-19)

א  וַיְהִי, אַחַר הַדְּבָרִים הָאֵלֶּה, וְהָאֱלֹהִים, נִסָּה אֶת-אַבְרָהָם; וַיֹּאמֶר אֵלָיו, אַבְרָהָם וַיֹּאמֶר הִנֵּנִי.	1 And it came to pass after these things, that God did prove Abraham, and said unto him: 'Abraham'; and he said: 'Here am I.'
ב  וַיֹּאמֶר קַח-נָא אֶת-בִּנְךָ אֶת-יְחִידְךָ אֲשֶׁר-אָהַבְתָּ, אֶת-יִצְחָק, וְלֶךְ-לְךָ, אֶל-אֶרֶץ הַמֹּרִיָּה; וְהַעֲלֵהוּ שָׁם, לְעֹלָה, עַל אַחַד הֶהָרִים, אֲשֶׁר אֹמַר אֵלֶיךָ.	2 And He said: 'Take now thy son, thine only son, whom thou lovest, even Isaac, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt-offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.'
ג  וַיַּשְׁכֵּם אַבְרָהָם בַּבֹּקֶר, וַיַּחֲבֹשׁ אֶת-חֲמֹרוֹ, וַיִּקַּח אֶת-שְׁנֵי נְעָרָיו אִתּוֹ, וְאֵת יִצְחָק בְּנוֹ; וַיְבַקַּע, עֲצֵי עֹלָה, וַיָּקָם וַיֵּלֶךְ, אֶל-הַמָּקוֹם אֲשֶׁר-אָמַר-לוֹ הָאֱלֹהִים.	3 And Abraham rose early in the morning, and saddled his ass, and took two of his young men with him, and Isaac his son; and he cleaved the wood for the burnt-offering, and rose up, and went unto the place of which God had told him.
ד  בַּיּוֹם הַשְּׁלִישִׁי, וַיִּשָּׂא אַבְרָהָם אֶת-עֵינָיו וַיַּרְא אֶת-הַמָּקוֹם--מֵרָחֹק.	4 On the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes, and saw the place afar off.
ה  וַיֹּאמֶר אַבְרָהָם אֶל-נְעָרָיו, שְׁבוּ-לָכֶם פֹּה עִם-הַחֲמוֹר, וַאֲנִי וְהַנַּעַר, נֵלְכָה עַד-כֹּה; וְנִשְׁתַּחֲוֶה, וְנָשׁוּבָה אֲלֵיכֶם.	5 And Abraham said unto his young men: 'Abide ye here with the ass, and I and the lad will go yonder; and we will worship, and come back to you.'
ו  וַיִּקַּח אַבְרָהָם אֶת-עֲצֵי הָעֹלָה, וַיָּשֶׂם עַל-יִצְחָק בְּנוֹ, וַיִּקַּח בְּיָדוֹ, אֶת-הָאֵשׁ וְאֶת-הַמַּאֲכֶלֶת; וַיֵּלְכוּ שְׁנֵיהֶם, יַחְדָּו.	6 And Abraham took the wood of the burnt-offering, and laid it upon Isaac his son; and he took in his hand the fire and the knife; and they went both of them together.
ז  וַיֹּאמֶר יִצְחָק אֶל-אַבְרָהָם אָבִיו, וַיֹּאמֶר אָבִי, וַיֹּאמֶר, הִנֶּנִּי בְנִי; וַיֹּאמֶר, הִנֵּה הָאֵשׁ וְהָעֵצִים, וְאַיֵּה הַשֶּׂה, לְעֹלָה.	7 And Isaac spoke unto Abraham his father, and said: 'My father.' And he said: 'Here am I, my son.' And he said: 'Behold the fire and the wood; but where is the lamb for a burnt-offering?'
ח  וַיֹּאמֶר, אַבְרָהָם, אֱלֹהִים יִרְאֶה-לּוֹ הַשֶּׂה לְעֹלָה, בְּנִי; וַיֵּלְכוּ שְׁנֵיהֶם, יַחְדָּו.	8 And Abraham said: 'God will provide Himself the lamb for a burnt-offering, my son.' So they went both of them together.
ט  וַיָּבֹאוּ, אֶל-הַמָּקוֹם אֲשֶׁר אָמַר-לוֹ הָאֱלֹהִים, וַיִּבֶן שָׁם אַבְרָהָם אֶת-הַמִּזְבֵּחַ, וַיַּעֲרֹךְ אֶת-הָעֵצִים; וַיַּעֲקֹד, אֶת-יִצְחָק בְּנוֹ, וַיָּשֶׂם אֹתוֹ עַל-הַמִּזְבֵּחַ, מִמַּעַל לָעֵצִים.	9 And they came to the place which God had told him of; and Abraham built the altar there, and laid the wood in order, and bound Isaac his son, and laid him on the altar, upon the wood.
י  וַיִּשְׁלַח אַבְרָהָם אֶת-יָדוֹ, וַיִּקַּח אֶת-הַמַּאֲכֶלֶת, לִשְׁחֹט, אֶת-בְּנוֹ.	10 And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son.
יא  וַיִּקְרָא אֵלָיו מַלְאַךְ יְהוָה, מִן-הַשָּׁמַיִם, וַיֹּאמֶר, אַבְרָהָם אַבְרָהָם; וַיֹּאמֶר, הִנֵּנִי.	11 And the angel of the LORD called unto him out of heaven, and said: 'Abraham, Abraham.' And he said: 'Here am I.'
יב  וַיֹּאמֶר, אַל-תִּשְׁלַח יָדְךָ אֶל-הַנַּעַר, וְאַל-תַּעַשׂ לוֹ, מְאוּמָה:  כִּי עַתָּה יָדַעְתִּי, כִּי-יְרֵא אֱלֹהִים אַתָּה, וְלֹא חָשַׂכְתָּ אֶת-בִּנְךָ אֶת-יְחִידְךָ, מִמֶּנִּי.	12 And he said: 'Lay not thy hand upon the lad, neither do thou any thing unto him; for now I know that thou art a God-fearing man, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son, from Me.'
יג  וַיִּשָּׂא אַבְרָהָם אֶת-עֵינָיו, וַיַּרְא וְהִנֵּה-אַיִל, אַחַר, נֶאֱחַז בַּסְּבַךְ בְּקַרְנָיו; וַיֵּלֶךְ אַבְרָהָם וַיִּקַּח אֶת-הָאַיִל, וַיַּעֲלֵהוּ לְעֹלָה תַּחַת בְּנוֹ.	13 And Abraham lifted up his eyes, and looked, and behold behind him a ram caught in the thicket by his horns. And Abraham went and took the ram, and offered him up for a burnt-offering in the stead of his son.
יד  וַיִּקְרָא אַבְרָהָם שֵׁם-הַמָּקוֹם הַהוּא, יְהוָה יִרְאֶה, אֲשֶׁר יֵאָמֵר הַיּוֹם, בְּהַר יְהוָה יֵרָאֶה.	14 And Abraham called the name of that place Adonai-jireh; as it is said to this day: 'In the mount where the LORD is seen.'
טו  וַיִּקְרָא מַלְאַךְ יְהוָה, אֶל-אַבְרָהָם, שֵׁנִית, מִן-הַשָּׁמָיִם.	15 And the angel of the LORD called unto Abraham a second time out of heaven,
טז  וַיֹּאמֶר, בִּי נִשְׁבַּעְתִּי נְאֻם-יְהוָה:  כִּי, יַעַן אֲשֶׁר עָשִׂיתָ אֶת-הַדָּבָר הַזֶּה, וְלֹא חָשַׂכְתָּ, אֶת-בִּנְךָ אֶת-יְחִידֶךָ.	16 and said: 'By Myself have I sworn, saith the LORD, because thou hast done this thing, and hast not withheld thy son, thine only son,
יז  כִּי-בָרֵךְ אֲבָרֶכְךָ, וְהַרְבָּה אַרְבֶּה אֶת-זַרְעֲךָ כְּכוֹכְבֵי הַשָּׁמַיִם, וְכַחוֹל, אֲשֶׁר עַל-שְׂפַת הַיָּם; וְיִרַשׁ זַרְעֲךָ, אֵת שַׁעַר אֹיְבָיו.	17 that in blessing I will bless thee, and in multiplying I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the seashore; and thy seed shall possess the gate of his enemies;
יח  וְהִתְבָּרְכוּ בְזַרְעֲךָ, כֹּל גּוֹיֵי הָאָרֶץ, עֵקֶב, אֲשֶׁר שָׁמַעְתָּ בְּקֹלִי.	18 and in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast hearkened to My voice.'
יט  וַיָּשָׁב אַבְרָהָם אֶל-נְעָרָיו, וַיָּקֻמוּ וַיֵּלְכוּ יַחְדָּו אֶל-בְּאֵר שָׁבַע; וַיֵּשֶׁב אַבְרָהָם, בִּבְאֵר שָׁבַע.  {פ}	19 So Abraham returned unto his young men, and they rose up and went together to Beer-sheba; and Abraham dwelt at Beer-sheba. {P}

This story demands an active reader. I encourage you to engage with the it and the story on whatever level you can. Even if you don't know Hebrew. Even if you don't believe Torah is "true," and even if (especially if) it puts your current view or faith to its own test.

Isaac survived The Akedah...but

God never spoke to Abraham again.
Abraham never talked to Sarah again.
Isaac doesn't speak to Abraham or Sarah again.
Sarah died.

So much died.

"Old Man in Sorrow" -- Vincent Van Gogh

Abraham did what he was told, what he thought was the right thing, and he lost all he had gained -- his wife, his son, and his closeness to God.

Alone in the world, he is left to "Lech Lecha" all over again. Get up and go... to a new wife, a new family, and maybe even a new God, one he has not known before.

Try to see Abraham, Sarah, and Isaac as real people.
See them also as an amalgamation of all the Jewish forefathers and foremothers.
See them as us.

My Religious School students often asked me why Abraham didn't argue with God. I don't know.

• Is it because Isaac had given his consent? 
• Is it because Sarah had given hers? Abraham was, after all, told to listen to all that she said, and she was a powerful woman. If she had said, "Abraham, don't do it!" would he have listened? Did she say, instead, "Abraham, you must do it."
• Does Abraham have no argument to offer?

Sit with this family in their pain.

Sit with yourself -- the self who goes up to the top of the mountain and has to make a choice.

Think about who we have already tied to the rock.

Who have we sacrificed in service of the higher powers of money, success, work, popularity, peer pressure, and society's concept of "normal"?

What things have we done in the name of God that he would not want his name associated with?

Live Music is my True Religion

Jews sing a lot. We sing blessings, we sing Psalms, we sing songs of joy, and songs of mourning, and we even sing the Torah. We always have, it seems. Back at the First Temple (destroyed in the year 70 CE) there were specific requirements of the Levites/Priests to sing and play instruments during services.

The entire Torah has a musical score (called trope or cantillation). It's not good enough for us to just stand up in front of the congregation and recite the Torah verses -- we sing them out loud! (I love this site, Navigating the Bible II for looking up specific verses to see how they are chanted.)

I'm sure are volumes of anthropological and empirical evidence for why we humans started transmitting our stories through song. Maybe we were just imitating the birds, or the wind, but it works.

• Homeric epics were sung.
• Gilgamesh and Beowulf were sung.
• The Nibelungenlied was sung.
• Mahabharata was sung
• Poems about Pachacutec was sung.
• Torah was sung.

And I would bet that before they figured out complex songs, the early humans figured out humming a soulful tune, desperate to hush a baby's cry.

When I think back on the synagogue services of my childhood, I can't really remember what the rabbis said, or even who they were, but I remember the tunes.

• Adon Olam
• Ve'ahavta (which is chanted in the same way we chant Torah)
• Avinu Maklenu (which I wrote about here)
• Ashrei
• Etz Chaim
• The Shema (6 words? Sing it!)

Music and the Religious/Spiritual Experience

I never really considered myself a spiritual person growing up, and even into my late 20s and 30s. "Spiritual" was always equated to "New Age," and boy did the new-agers of the 80s and 90s ruin that for me. Young Susan was not going to stand in a circle, hold hands with people I didn't know, wear a flowy skirt, and search for something "outside myself". (Honestly, 43-year-old Susan wouldn't do that with a group of strangers either...)

I was always well-rooted in Reform/Conservative Judaism, which at the time didn't include that kind of energy.

We would always sing.

Only sometimes would we sing.

Am I spiritual now? Definitely yes, when live music is involved. I have had amazing, transcendent, soul-lifting and soul-crushing experiences in small clubs, dingy bars, stadiums, arenas, festivals, the greatest outdoor venue on the planet, and the bases of ski slopes.

I have found those moments with bands from Foo Fighters to Phish and Red Hot Chili Peppers to Richard Shindell. I have even found those moments listening to bands whose names I can't remember and probably never knew. Opening acts. Street performers. CAJE conference sing-a-longs at 1 a.m. in a college dorm lounge.

For me, the most salient aspect of these "spiritual moments" is a loss of self-consciousness, which I carry around in droves normally,

Dance Like No One is Watching
The closer I can get to that ideal, the more spiritual and authentic the live music experience is. 

Introvert Heaven
Concerts are the perfect social gathering for introverts. You get to spend time in the presence of lots of other people and have social moments, but you experience the music completely within yourself. And you can move back and forth between interacting with other people or not without judgment. I'm not ignoring you because I'm aloof, or feeling anti-social. I'm ignoring you because the band is playing, man!  I am in the groove! 

Tonight is Shabbat, and there will be much dancing, singing and rejoicing on the part of this Jew.

At The Aggie,
with Keller Williams
my entire body will be praying.

Ode to a Migraine

The rain was blazing.
The lamplight thunderous and deafening.
The music had of a whiff of putrid decay.
I could not taste the rainbow,
and the touch of the cat's paw was deafening.
Never over soon enough.

Where are these when we really need them?

Because God Said So

One of the biggest disconnects for me as a modern, progressive Jew who studies Torah is the blind obedience so often practiced by darn near everyone. So far, there is a complete unwillingness to stand up to God.

Because I Said So

God: Adam and Eve. I know you didn't have knowledge of right and wrong until you ate from the tree of knowledge, but it was wrong of you to do so. Get out of the Garden of Eden. Oh, and you're going to die.
Adam and Eve: Uh, OK.

God: You're a pretty good guy, the best of every human alive on earth. But I'm disappointed in my own creation and have decided to kill everyone but your immediate family in a horrible flood. Start building a boat and you'll survive.
Noah: Uh, OK.

God:  Haran is your home, and you probably like it here, but you have to pick up and leave now. You, your wife, your goats. get moving.
Abram: Uh, OK.

Why Didn't These Conversations Go Like This?

God: Adam and Eve. I know you didn't have knowledge of right and wrong until you ate from the tree of knowledge, but it was wrong of you to do so. Get out of the Garden of Eden. Oh, and you're going to die.
Adam and Eve: You've got to be kidding. That is completely illogical and unfair.
God: How so?
Adam and Eve: You cannot punish us for doing something we did not know was wrong at the time we did it. How were we supposed to know the rules if you didn't tell us the rules?
God: Good point.
Adam and Eve: So, now we have the knowledge to make good choices. What are the rules?
God: *lists the rules*
Adam and Eve: Thank you. We'll do our best.
God: Excellent. Let me know if you have any questions or get confused.

God: You're a pretty good guy, the best of every human alive on earth. But I'm disappointed in my own creation and have decided to kill everyone but your immediate family in a horrible flood. Start building a boat and you'll survive.
Noah: Wait, what?
God: Look around. Everyone around is doing wicked things. I gave Adam and Eve the rules. No one is following them. So I'm going to flood the Earth and start over with you and your family.
Noah: Do you really think that's a good idea? I'm going to be left alone on the Earth with only my family -- not my mother or father, not my sister, not my friends -- because you killed them. Then what?
God: Then you will worship me.
Noah: LOL. No. Do you want us to hate you? This is how you get people to hate you.
God: What do you suggest?
Noah: Show yourself. Don't just talk to me. Talk to everyone. Tell them why they should be good and what "good" looks like.
God: Maybe you can help and talk to people.
Noah: Deal.

God:  Haran is your home, and you probably like it here, but you have to pick up and leave now. You, your wife, your goats. get moving.
Abram: What about my father? My mother?
God: No. He makes and sells idols, so he can't go to Canaan.
Abram: Did he know he wasn't supposed to do that?
God: Well, no. I haven't given the rules about idol worship yet. But he should have known.
Abram: You keep doing this. You get all mad because we're behaving as you made us. We can't win. And you haven't even told us where we're going or why.
God: I'll tell you later.
Abram: If you were me, would you agree to that?
God: Perhaps not.
Abram: Ok then. Let me in on the plan so I can make a good decision.
God: What if you say no?
Abram: Then we'll keep talking.

Arguing With God: Isn't It a Jewish Tradition?

As a 40-something Jew raised in the American Conservative/Reform traditions, I was always taught that Jews argue with God. We don't just blindly follow meaningless rules, and the final rebellion against Orthodoxy in my family happened long before I came along. 

I was quite surprised to learn as an adult that Jewish fundamentalism existed. That there are Jews who believe the earth is 6,000 years old (5776 in fact). Jews who believe every word of the Torah was dictated to Moses by God. Jews who hold up Abraham as a model because he was obedient. Do what God tells you, without question. Follow the 613 mitzvot (commandments). Why? Because God said so. 

I didn't get it, but as I read the Torah, I see where this vision of God comes from. It's right there in the text.

"Because I Said So!"

As I child, I swore I would never, ever say, "Because I said so!" to my own children. I'd give reasons. And be patient, and not rely blindly on my parental authority to demand obedience.

But as my kids will surely testify, I went there. Many times.

But I never went there first, and when possible, I've given a reason or at least tried to explain why I said so.

• "Because you'll get frostbite without your shoes."
• "Because dirty dishes in your room will attract bugs."
• "Because if you don't get in the car none of us can go home."

I'm not going to lie. When I did say, "Because I said so!" what I was feeling was -- 

• I'm in charge here. 
• I don't have to give you a reason. 
• I am the mother. 
• You are the child. 
• I know so much more than you.
• I have 29 more years of experience in this world.
• I see the big picture you can't even imagine yet. 
• I do not owe you an explanation.
• You owe me obedience.
• I can make you miserable.
• This is for your own good.
• How dare you question me?

None of those are feelings/thoughts you want to have toward your children, and they led to some regrettable actions as well. 

If I had the power to flood the world, or expel them, or say, "Get up and go!" I might have. 

It Gets Better (in real life)

Those moments have become fewer and far between. (I can't even recall the last one.) I've changed, my kids have changed, and our relationship has changed. 

If I  judge myself by the first three chapters of my creating a world, a household, a family, a new generation, I come up very short. Quick to temper, slow to learn, reluctant to explain myself. But we're more than a few parshas past that now, and we're all starting to look better, and we deserve to be judged more charitably.

Maybe God will, too. 

Chat Log 1: Sarah/Hagar

לֶךְ-לְךָ, לילה Lech Lecha, Lailah -- Time to Go

My plan for Sunday was pretty simple. Rake some leaves, grocery shop, prepare Dragon Noodles for dinner, and watch the Colts v. Patriots and Cubs v. Mets simultaneously on my laptop and TV. I cracked open a new beer from Ballast Point and had my Twitter and Facebook feeds open for a little online rivalry-sparring with complete strangers.

Then my 12-year-old daughter received an urgent text from her very best friend, her soul sister.
Their dog Lailah was dying. Could Ellie come over right away?

I tried to get details -- did she mean dying right now? Are they at home? Are you sure her parents want you to come over? Are you sure you want to go....?

Yes, right now. 
Yes, they are at home.
Yes, she asked her parents.
Yes, I want to go. I have to go. My best friend is sad, so I am sad, too.

We have put down three pets since my daughter was born, but she hasn't been there for the euthanization of any of them.

It's a short drive to our friends' house, and Ellie and I were silent most of the way. I asked her if she knew what would happen if we were there when the dog was put down. She said she did.

I asked her what she was going to do to be a support to her friend. Be careful not to say this or that, I said. Maybe don't talk about A, B, and C. But she had it.

I'm just gonna be there, Mom Whatever she wants.

I told her she would be safe in following her instincts and her heart, and I knew that she also loved this dog, and that I would be there to support her. I'll just be there. Whatever you want.

Lech Lecha -- Go for You

You never know when the Torah portion of the week will coincide perfectly with the events in your life, or someone else's. 

In the first sentence of this week's Torah portion, God gives Abraham a command. "לֶךְ-לְךָ" literally "go for you". Get up, leave your current home, and go on a journey to the unknown. Don't worry, I've got your back, God tells Abraham. I'll show you where you're going (eventually) and there will be blessings for you and your family. You're leaving behind a lot, Abraham, but your time in this place is finished. And don't forget, this mysterious journey I'm sending you on isn't for me, it's for you. Go for you. Go for yourself.

From the time they are born, dogs are brought along on our journey. We adopt them, give them a name, bring them into our homes, and make all the decisions of where they can and cannot go. Inside, outside, in the car, on a road trip, for a hike, on a walk, camping in the wilderness... all of which offer varying levels of freedom, but never complete freedom. Chase the squirrel if you want, go for a dip in the stream, walk off the trail, but eventually your people will decide it's time to go home and you'll be getting back into the car.

I spent quite a bit of time with the dying dog last night. I petted her, stroked her face, talked to her about how her adventures were complete, and she'd done everything she needed to do. Time to go. Every now and then she would move her head a little, or twitch her eyebrows, and I didn't know if that meant "keep going," or "stop," but I kept going. More for me, perhaps. The silence was too much. I was choking on it.

I sang to her (Debbie Friedman's Lechi Lach, Esa Eynai, Misheberach, the Grateful Dead's Ripple, and my go-to lullaby/comfort song, Shlomo Carelbach's Besheim Hashem, which is about how none of us are ever journeying alone.) 

בשם השם אלוהי ישראל 

In the name of God, the God of Israel

מימיני מיכאל ומשמאלי גבריאל

 On my right is Michael, on my left is Gabriel

ומלפני אוריאל ומאחורי רפאל 

In front of me is Uriel, and Raphael is behind

ועל ראשי, ועל ראשי, שכינת האל. 

And over my head, and over my head, Shekinah dwells

Lessons on Friendship

I don't always know how to be a good friend, especially when my friends are hurting. It doesn't feel like it comes naturally to me, and I often find myself inserting my own ideas, opinions, and stories into other people's moments. "I went through that!" "This is how it went for me!" "Here's an idea for you!" (You could argue this entire post is just that...and I beg forgiveness if I'm being a butt-insky.)

My daughter is a wonderful, natural friend, and I (at 43) am honored to take my cues from her.

• Enter quietly.
• Reach out physically -- sometimes there's no need for words.
• Follow your friend, and keep her needs, moods, and desires in the front of your mind.
• Leave space -- quiet spaces, spaces for laughing, spaces where you just sit in silence and both feel sad.
• Be the vessel for whatever your friend needs to pour out. At one point in the night, my daughter's friend wanted to play a card game. My first instinct was to say, "You should really stay here and experience this. It's going to be over soon." But my daughter was able to see that her friend needed a break, needed to laugh, needed to do something routine, normal. Play a card game, giggle, and reminisce about the dying dog's worst farts. 
• Leave quietly.

On our drive home, I tried to put into practice all the lessons she had taught me. I held her hand, waited for her to talk, and followed her mood, which inevitably led back to cracking jokes about dog farts. We cried, and we laughed.

A Blessing for the Journey

לילה, שתוליכך לשלום ותצעידך לשלום ותדריכך לשלום

Lilah, shetolikheykah leshalom vetatzideykah leshalom vetadrikhekah leshalom

Lilah, go in peace, and stride in peace, and be guided in peace...

The Oregon Shooting

When's the last time you thought of the shooting at Umpqua Community College in Roseburg, Oregon?

Been a while? Yeah... me too. Can you name a single victim? Or even how many there were this time?

Me either.

Even the Wikipedia page hasn't been updated since October 9, though there has been some news and survivors have given interviews and details in the past nine days.

Maybe Jeb Bush was right. "Stuff happens."

President Obama was wrong:

“The notion that 2 months or 3 months after something as horrific as what happened in Newtown happens and we’ve moved on to other things, that’s not who we are. That’s not who we are. Now, I want to make sure every American is listening today. Less than 100 days ago that happened, and the entire country was shocked. And the entire country pledged we would do something about it and that this time would be different. Shame on us if we’ve forgotten. I haven’t forgotten those kids. Shame on us if we’ve forgotten.” —President Barack Obama (March 28, 2013)*

*Quote taken from a fascinating article from the Connecticut Law Review on "The Shooting Cycle." 

None of us should act surprised when it happens again.

(I will continue to support and work for change, through organizations like MomsDemand, (http://momsdemandaction.org/)

— but in truth...

Baseball Curses and the Ezer Kenegdo

Being a Red Sox fan is like being Jewish in my family -- you're just born that way, and for my kids, it's been passed down through the mother. Matrilineal Red Sox Fandom.

When my kids were born, in 2001 and 2003, this was bad news. When we got Ben his first little Red Sox cap and onesie, we said, "Sorry to do this to you, kid. You're in for a life of sadness and disappointment."

In those days, the last time the Red Sox had won the World Series was 1918, and since then there had been a string of events that raised the hope of Sox fans so high that the team was known as the Cardiac Kids. "The Curse of the Bambino" was real, and Bucky Dent, Bob Stanley, Mookie Wilson, Bill Buckner and Aaron Boone were verboten. Those who shall not be named. The Red Sox blew it in 1946, 1948, 1949, and most spectacularly in the World Series contests of 1967, 1975, and 1986, when the team was one strike (One Strike!) away from winning it all.

We believed in the curse, and it was a crucial part of our identities as Sox fans. We were beleaguered, persecuted, almost-rans whose hearts had been broken more times than we could count. Faith? Hope? Only for next year.

And then next year came. October 27, 2004. The miracle Red Sox had come back from a 3 games to 0 deficit against the Yankees to make it to the World Series, and they swept the St Louis Cardinals in 4 games. World Champs. The curse was broken. The Boston Globe headline was one jubilant word:

(Although I have mad love for this parody version)

86 years of cursedness. Gone. We had believed, and we had been rewarded. We had hung in there, and we had been rewarded. 

I've got the hats, t-shirts, newspapers, commemorative books, and a million memories from 2004 that will never fade. It was wicked awesome. 

Ezer K'negdo

What I did not realize at the time was that The Curse was our Ezer K'negdo
(עֵזֶר כְּנֶגְדּוֹ) . Our what?

In the second Creation account of Genesis, after God formed man from the dust of the earth and placed him in the garden of Eden, God says, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable (ezer knedgo) for him” (2:18). 

As my rabbi has pointed out, we don't quite get the meaning of ezer knegdo/helpmeet these days. It's not just a partner for life. It's a force you lean against, the person who helps you keep your balance by offering just the right amount of resistance.

Red Sox fans pushed against that damn curse for 86 years, and it pushed right back. There was equilibrium, and we could talk in absolute language. "Always be losers..Always blow it...Always let you down..."

And then they won.

We were knocked off balance and stumbled a bit. Yes, we celebrated. Now what?

In 2005, the Red Sox were...average. They got to the first round of the post-season, where they were swept in three games by the Chicago White Sox, who would go on to win the World Series.

It wasn't The Curse. Teams have their ups and downs, and no one wins the World Series every year. (Not even you, Yankees fans... where's your team tonight?)

Suddenly, we just one of those teams. Sometimes we win it all (2007, 2013) and sometimes we're awful (2015).  We are...

In some ways, and I'll talk about this in other posts, Jews have been through the same journey. Much of the identity of Israel has been that of a persecuted people. The world pushed against us and we always pushed back. After the Holocaust and WWII, we pushed back hard. For some people, that push was their entire Jewish identity. Be Jewish if for no other reason than there are people who don't want you to. That doesn't always work in 2015. The world won't always push back.

I'm rooting for the Cubs to win the World Series this year. I haven't lived their curse (it involves a goat?), but they haven't won the World Series since 1908, and that joy of winning is oh, so sweet. Besides, watching history being made is cool, and that Back to the Future 2 connection is just too perfect.

Watch out for the fall, though, Cubs fans. If you lose, you get to keep being curse, and keep cursing your bad luck. If the Cubs win, you might end up missing your ezer knegdo when you end up in the "just another team that won it..." bucket with the rest of us.

Either way, I think you win.

Prayers for a Shabbat of Peace

Most days, I'm not much of a pray-er, and I don't believe in a version of God that answers prayers. But I do appreciate the power of turning your heart and your thoughts to something, someone, or someplace in need. 

On this shabbat, that place is Israel.

As we read through the book of Bereshit (Genesis) in our weekly Torah study, we are closing in on the stories of the first of our ancestors to set a place for themselves in Israel. 

Abraham purchases a tomb for his beloved Sarah. 

Their grandson Jacob will literally become Israel when he wrestles with a mysterious man in the desert. 

And Joseph, the dream-reader, will ask that his bones be returned to Israel. The Hebrews carry them with them until Joshua fulfills Joseph's wish:

לב  וְאֶת-עַצְמוֹת יוֹסֵף אֲשֶׁר-הֶעֱלוּ בְנֵי-יִשְׂרָאֵל מִמִּצְרַיִם, קָבְרוּ בִשְׁכֶם, בְּחֶלְקַת הַשָּׂדֶה אֲשֶׁר קָנָה יַעֲקֹב מֵאֵת בְּנֵי-חֲמוֹר אֲבִי-שְׁכֶם, בְּמֵאָה קְשִׂיטָה; וַיִּהְיוּ לִבְנֵי-יוֹסֵף, לְנַחֲלָה.

32 And the bones of Joseph, which the children of Israel brought up out of Egypt, buried they in Shechem, in the parcel of ground which Jacob bought of the sons of Hamor the father of Shechem for a hundred pieces of money; and they became the inheritance of the children of Joseph.

(Joshua 24:32)

Yesterday, October 15, 2015 (3 Cheshvan 5776) Joseph's tomb was set ablaze by the fires of rage, anger, and hatred. 

(News story from Jewish Telegraphic Agency: http://www.jta.org/2015/10/16/news-opinion/israel-middle-east/josephs-tomb-set-on-fire-ahead-of-palestinian-day-of-rage)

So this week, I pray. I never particularly resonated with the "traditional" Prayer for the State of Israel that was part of my childhood siddurim (prayer books). It was written in 1948 by the Chief Rabbinate of Israel, who was sincere and thoughtful, but no poet.

That prayer is here:

Our Father who is in heaven, Protector and Redeemer of Israel, bless the State of Israel, the dawn of our deliverance. Shield it beneath the wings of Your love; spread over it Your canopy of peace; send Your light and Your truth to its leaders, officers, and counselors, and direct them with Your good counsel.

 Strengthen the defenders of our Holy Land; grant them, our God, salvation and crown them with victory. Establish peace in the land, and everlasting joy for its inhabitants. Remember our brethren, the whole house of Israel, in all the lands of their dispersion. Speedily bring them to Zion, Your city, to Jerusalem Your dwelling-place, as it is written in the Torah of Your servant Moses:

 “Even if you are dispersed in the uttermost parts of the world, from there the Lord your God will gather and fetch you. The Lord your God will bring you into the land which your ancestors possessed, and you shall possess it; and God will make you more prosperous and more numerous than your ancestors.”

 Unite our hearts to love and revere Your name, and to observe all the precepts of Your Torah. Speedily send us Your righteous Messiah of the House of David, to redeem those waiting for Your salvation. Shine forth in Your glorious majesty over all the inhabitants of Your world. Let everything that breathes proclaim: “The Lord God of Israel is King; His majesty rules over all.” Amen. Selah.

I offer these two prayers in its place....and a song

The first was written by Karyn D Kedar, author, poet, rabbi. We read this version at Ben's bar mitzvah instead of the traditional one above.

The second is not about Israel at all (at least on its face). It's an anti-war poem by e.e.cummings, one of the most innovative poets of the 20th century and a personal favorite of mine. Read more about him here.

1.  A Prayer for Peace and Strength

-Rabbi Karyn D. Kedar, senior rabbi of Congregation BJBE in Deerfield, IL

Holy One of blessing,
we pray for the soldiers
who are called to defend the people of Israel.
Keep them safe. 

When they are weary
give them strength.

When they are scared give them courage.
May they find strength and faith in the days ahead.

Holy One of blessing,
we pray for the people of Israel
who long to live under your canopy of peace.
Keep them safe. When they are threatened
protect them from harm.

When they are wounded and bereaved
grant them healing and comfort.
May they find strength and courage in the days ahead.

May our voices carry prayers of hope
that the people of Israel know that they are not alone.

Dear God,
give us strength
and know that there is nothing more sacred than peace.

Grant us dear God,
Faith. Courage. Wisdom. 

2. i carry your heart with me

-- e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling) i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

3. Yehi Shalom, as sung by Neshama Carlebach

	יהי שלום בחילך שלווה בארמנותיך
Yehi shalom becheylech shalva b'armenotayich Peace be within your walls, prosperit​y within your palaces